Life in a nutshell

Right now I find myself in a difficult position. Feeling like I have had a huge opportunity to learn about myself as a manager, but also realizing that the experience was a complete shambles. Sometimes I feel like my Canadian tendency to “niceness” really screws you over when you try to manage people. Or perhaps niceness is incorrect, it’s really called “this is not part of my job description”.

I’m not here to be the mother of these volunteers, telling them “Okay kiddies, we need to weed the garden? Johnny? Great! Thanks! Let’s go team” or something else mildly nauseating. In an ideal world you’d also have volunteers who seemed to care about the quality of their work. Or rather, would realize that when they ask Martijn about the experience, that he is upfrount with them about certain aspects. Then find that they come here and suddenly have a “problem” with it.

More importantly, I’m sick. When I’m sick I just want to have a day to do nothing. I don’t want to answer your question about where things are (garlic). I want you to open your eyes and look for yourself.

Perhaps I am being harsh, but ultimately I don’t think I am. Perhaps I keep being confrounted by people who challenge me in different ways because I need to learn how to deal with them, but somedays I’m exhausted of this too. I know now, that I would do things hugely different in the future. While I am still enjoying my time here, I feel like the volunteers are missing out.

They aren’t getting to converse with Pablo and have inside jokes with him. They don’t get to talk to Tobias about what is the local word for turkey. They are missing all the parts that to me made my experience here so rich, the people! Instead they run around saying “I’m not going to clean up the kitchen because I didn’t make the mess”. It is sort of like being put into a room with 6 year olds and watching mayhem unfold feeling slightly powerless to snap them out of it. In some ways you forgive them because of their age, yet in other ways you just can’t wait until they grow up and have some integrity and pride in their work.

While I may be painting a bleak picture, it is not entirely off base. I really am looking forward to a change. I want to be able to explore more about organic farming on my own, where I can see and play and do. Not just talk about who needs to weed the hibiscus seedlings. Most importantly, I have learned some valuable lessons. Not to let things slide that really are important (like starting on time), find someone you can vent too, because it is important for you to be able to express your anger, frustration and wishes with someone.

Most importantly, say what is on your mind. Say it in any way possible, but say it. Instead of waiting for someone to magically realize that they are just as capable of looking for the flour themselves than asking me where it is. Or maybe I’ve learned nothing else than the fact I never want to be a volunteer coordinator again.

That and I need a vacation.