All by myself

This morning Sara left. And perhaps it has been the cloudy days, or it was the sudden realization that I would be spending the holidays alone, but I was incredibly sad. While I know that we had our initial misunderstandings and clashes, I felt that by the last week we finally understood. Or rather learned to laugh at our differences and focus on the things we had in common. Namely the weird, strange, wonderful place that Balgue is.

More than anything Sara’s disappearance was difficult because I felt like I lost my sister. One thing Sara always reminded me of, in a weird you-only-look-like-so-and-so-because-I-am-in-a-foreign-country way, my sister. And when she left, I finally realized that I would be alone this Christmas. No new volunteers, no Sara, no family and friends. Only Dukie and Donald. This realization kept hitting me with new and stronger waves that morning.

It started, as all my mornings do, with the pigs. While conversing with Pablo and talking about Sara, I felt my emotions hit my throat making a desperate plea for my eyes. I managed to hold myself together that time. However I was not so lucky the next time. While I sat in the garden pulling weeds from the paths to make it more presentable, when Pablo passed and started talking to me about Sara I lost it. I was not really crying at losing her, but in my own selfish way, crying because she left. I had left my family. And I was really sad, as my friend Michelle would say.

Pablo, being the wonderful human he is, sat me down and asked me what was wrong. He would not take my “I’m fine” answer anymore. So I told him that I missed Sara, not entirely true, but close enough to the truth for this conversation. He told me that he found it hard too, but he had developed a hard heart. A big heart, as he always joked, but a hard one. That is why he wasn’t upset. He told me I had a soft heart, and perhaps one day I would have a hard heart, like stone. This did not make me feel better.

Nor did Pablo’s continued efforts to raise my spirits. In truth, I was so touched by his continued efforts that it made me lose it all the more. Pablo has no real reason to offer me kind words and a fatherly bear hug. He has no reason to sit there and tell me that he is going to make me tea with orange leaves and dill. Or tell me to sit down and have a break. He has no reason to bugger off and give me some space to have my little pity party and get back to work.

In the end, Pablo’s kindness is what really blew me away. He didn’t have to sit there and tell me it was going to be alright. He didn’t have to do these things. But he did. He even offered to hang out with me that afternoon so I wouldn’t be alone. While this is probably what I should have done, I just couldn’t help but say sure.

After Pablo finished lighting the fire for the pig food, I was ready to go and off we went. With no Sara to fill the silence and with my mood being about as high as a canyon it is any wonder that we conversed at all. He took me around Balgue to meet new people I could talk to when I was lonely. First it was the tienda that Orlando, Pablo’s wife’s brother, owned and talk to him and his wife. Then it was to meet Catalina, a woman who Pablo used to work with at Totoco.

At every stop, I just could not believe how welcoming and loving the people are. You may think this means I have this idea that people are naturally cold hearted people. Really, I am just so pleasantly surprised that these people are all so willing to open their lives up to a complete, gringa stranger who misses home. I was just so incredibly touched.

Thus I found myself at Pablo’s house, getting a bear hug from Yolanda who knew instantly what was wrong. She told me “you miss your mom” and gave me a hug only a mother can. We sat and talked for a bit, but my comprehension of Spanish had waned greatly. They talked rapidly amongst themselves and came to the conclusion that I couldn’t be by myself. Thus I had found myself invited to the birthday party of Yolanda’s mother for the next night, Christmas Eve festivities, as well as Christmas Day.